Tell your friend you're thinking about them, that you love them, and that you're not going anywhere, in your own words and in two or three sentences. Something like: "I've been thinking about you all week. I know things are hard right now, and I'm not going anywhere. I love you." It doesn't need to be perfect. In a 2022 study of more than 5,900 people, published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, researchers found that people consistently underestimate how much a short message means to the person who receives it, and the gap is widest when the message comes as a surprise (Liu, Rim, Min and Min, via PsyPost).
What to write to let them know you're there
You don't need to fix anything. Most people going through something hard just want to know someone is in their corner.
I've been thinking about you so much. I don't have the perfect words, but I love you and I'm right here with you.
Whatever you're carrying right now, you don't have to carry it alone. I'm with you, today and every day after.
I know this season is hard. I'm proud of how you're getting through it, even on the days it doesn't feel that way.
What to write when you don't know what to say
Say exactly that. Honesty reads as love; a line that tries too hard doesn't.
I don't know what to say, and I'm not going to pretend I do. I just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you.
There are no perfect words for this, so I'll keep it simple: you've been on my mind, and I love you.
What to write to remind them of something good
A specific memory says more than any kind word, because it could only have come from you. Small moments work better than big ones.
I keep thinking about that road trip when we got lost for three hours and laughed the whole way. Can't wait for the next one.
Remember when you talked me through the worst week of my life? I haven't forgotten. This time I'm the one in your corner.
What to write to a friend who lives far away
Distance makes it feel like there's nothing you can do. Saying so, and saying what you'd do if you were there, closes some of that gap.
I hate being this far away right now. If I could, I'd be on your couch with takeout. Sending you all my love until I can.
Miles away, but you're on my mind every day. Whatever hour it is where you are, I'm one call away.
What not to say to a friend going through a hard time
- "Let me know if you need anything." It's well meant, but it leaves the next step to someone who's already stretched thin. If you want to help, offer one specific thing: "I'm dropping off dinner Thursday."
- "Everything happens for a reason." They may come to believe that one day. It rarely helps this week.
- "I know exactly how you feel." Even if you've been through something close, it isn't the same, and it turns the message toward you.
- "At least…" Whatever follows is a comparison, and comparisons don't comfort.
- "Stay strong." It can land as one more thing they're supposed to do. Telling them you're proud of how they're handling it says the same thing more kindly.
How to match the message to your friendship
The right words depend less on what your friend is going through than on what the two of you are to each other.
A friend you've known for years. You've earned the right to be honest and a little funny. Suddenly writing formally can feel like distance, so write the way you talk.
Twenty years and I still never know the right thing to say. So here's the true thing: I love you, and I'm not going anywhere.
A newer friend. You might wonder whether it's your place to reach out. It is. A message from a newer friend often means more, because they didn't have to send it. Keep it warm and simple, and don't over-explain why you're writing.
We haven't known each other long, but I've come to care about you a lot. I'm thinking of you this week and every week after.
A friend who lives far away. The hardest part is not being able to show up. Tell them what you'd do if you could. It turns "I can't be there" into a picture they can hold on to.
I wish I could be there to sit with you, make you tea and tell you bad jokes. Since I can't, here's my love, all of it.
A friend who doesn't like a fuss. Some people shrink from big emotional messages. Keep it light and specific, and make the offer something easy to say yes to.
Not going to make a big deal of it, but I've been thinking about you. Coffee's on me whenever you're up for it.
For more, sorted by what you want to say, see Find the words.
If you want it to last longer than a text
Any of these works as a text. But a text gets read once and buried under the next one. If you want your words to stay with them, every message on this page fits on a card. Happydandis puts your note on a keepsake card, exactly as you wrote it, and sends it in a gift box with a plush to carry it. They'll read your note, and the plush will stay on their nightstand or desk, reminding them what you said every time they see it.
The note says it. The plush makes it stay. Free shipping anywhere in the US.
Someone on your mind? Send a note.
